Return to House on Haunted Hill

English/2007/79 Minutes/Unrated

The original House on Haunted Hill starring Vincent Price is a cult classic produced by my favorite showman William Castle. Castle always included a gimmick in his shows. For Mr. Sardonicus there was a vote to see what would happen to the villain at the end. For The Tingler it was little electric shocks in the seats. For House it was pulleys that sent skeletons flying over the heads of viewers. The movies were all great fun and I recommend them highly. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of Return to House On Haunted Hill.

The story is rather convoluted and poorly told but a simple synopsis would be that a relative of a survivor from the House On Haunted Hill remake is forced to head back to the house after her sister's mysterious suicide. Apparently this ties in with an ancient evil artifact that competing treasure hunters (or are they archaeologists) are chasing. They kidnap the hero and force her to come along. Think of it as Indiana Jones meets The Grudge by way of any splatter flick without the imagination of any of the above.

The film has not a single original idea and makes sure to present every possible cliché in the slasher book. The plot is messy, the writing is poor and the acting is strictly z-grade. Characters constantly state the obvious and make leaps on logic that are bizarre to say the least. For example, the characters find out that the building has a crematorium, therefore the evil artifact must be hidden in there.

The production values are also low. The chamber that contains the artifact is supposed to be organic but it looks like somebody wrinkled up a fleece blanket and glued it in place. The monsters are generic, including the “long haired ghost” and the “evil nurse” ghost. There are no surprises, no interesting twists and no suspense. The kills are very basic, poorly shot and not very interesting. The supposed sex is basically a couple of lipstick lesbians getting naked for all of 30 seconds. It's probably in there just so they can put “sex/nudity” on the box.

The acting ranges from tolerable to horrible with the villain mugging for the camera and the heroes looking afraid. Of course the writing is terrible and so the actors admittedly didn't have much to work with. The story is illogical, convoluted and overwritten. Characters monologue to the point that it feels almost like an audio tour.

Finally the ending is silly. The characters' solution for getting rid of the evil artifact would be hilarious if it wasn't so serious. At least Castle knew he was making pulp. No such luck here. This movie is definitely not recommended.

Unrated: Mature Audiences, contains Strong Bloody Horror Violence, Language and Brief Sexuality/Nudity